


Wishing I was Dreaming

by RobinPlaysTrumpet15



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-01-18 15:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12391245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinPlaysTrumpet15/pseuds/RobinPlaysTrumpet15
Summary: Keith was expendable. That's why he left. He wished someone had tried to stop him, but he knew they didn't for one simple reason.Keith was not worth itPlease note that warnings, categories, relationships, and the rating are subject to change.





	1. Wish You Had Said Something

**Author's Note:**

> Again, please note that things such as warnings, categories, relationships, and the rating are subject to change.
> 
> I hope you guys like this. Keith's mental state needs to have some more attention, and one of the best ways to do it? Write about it. I felt a lot of things after season 4, and plenty of those things were directed at Keith and how no one seemed to realize that he was dealing with some issues.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you think about this story. If you find any mistakes, please let me know about them, and I will fix them asap. Thanks!

_Shiro grabbed Keith’s wrist, stopping him as he turned away. Keith almost couldn’t look back at him. He knew what he would see there on the man’s face._

_“Keith, don’t go,” Shiro said. “We need you here.”_

*

_Allura met Keith as he turned down a hallway. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and there was a sad frown across her lips._

_“Keith, you’re important, and you always have been. And not just as a paladin of Voltron.”_

*

_Lance came into Keith’s bedroom without knocking and without asking permission. Keith hated the look on the taller teen’s face, something that screamed insecurity and uncertainty._

_“Keith, you aren’t just someone for me to pick on,” Lance admitted, trying to catch Keith’s eyes. “You’re a support for all of us, including me.”_

*

_Hunk turned from his masterpiece as Keith entered the kitchen. His heart didn’t seem to be in it today._

_“Keith, man, you can’t leave us. What will we do without you?”_

*

_Coran found Keith sitting in the lounge. He twisted his mustache a little nervously, seemed unsure how to say what he needed to say._

_“Keith, my boy,” Coran said, letting go of his facial hair and clasping his hands in front of him. “You’ve grown a lot here, and I’d hate to see you go. Please don’t.”_

*

_Pidge came barreling around a corner in the hallway as Keith made for the exit. There were tears streaming down her face, and her nose was running. She threw her arms around Keith’s middle and held him like she might never let him go._

_“Keith! I might already have lost one brother, I can’t lose another!”_

*

Keith jerked awake, breathing harshly.

He felt like he might cry, and that was something he hated doing. He’d done it once, on _camera_ , he might add, but that had been an accident. Hopefully, no one saw it. At least, no one had said anything to him about it, so he figured that the recording was lost somewhere and no one had bothered to find it, let alone watch it.

Keith hated dreams like the ones he just woke up from. They were lies, full of the things he wished people would say.

He wished someone had stopped him. He wished that Shiro had said anything other than “We won’t try to stop you.” Keith loved Shiro, and he always had, but what kind of shit was that? In the past, Shiro would never have let Keith leave and do something so incredibly stupid or dangerous.

He would have sat him down, talked to him, tried to understand what Keith was feeling and why he was feeling it.

Shiro knew, on some level, that Keith probably dealt with mental illness. He had said as much a couple of times, though he never had explained what, exactly, Keith might suffer from. And Keith had never asked.

Because that would make him broken. It would make him weak.

And Keith could not accept that.

But now, no one stopped him. Keith wasn’t worth anything to Voltron now that Shiro was back to piloting the black lion. Now that the rightful leader was back in position, and Keith could step down, he wasn’t needed here. He could go to the Blade of Marmora and help where he could with them. He could learn about his heritage, learn about himself, learn about his mom. And in the meantime, he would go on dangerously stupid missions and risk himself the way that any member of the Blades would.

Because Keith was expendable.

He always had been, he’d sort of known that. Back at the Garrison, it hadn’t ever really mattered when Keith had dropped out. At least that way, Lance was moved up to the fighter pilot class and now, here he was, a paladin of Voltron. That situation worked out better for everyone.

When Keith ran away with Allura, he was trying to save Voltron. He was trying to keep everyone out of danger. And so had Allura. But Voltron couldn’t be formed without him there, which meant that Keith had failed in what he tried to do. If something had happened to him or Allura, they would all have been screwed. And if something had happened to the others or the castle, they would still have been screwed. So really, Keith had failed. He should have known better than to think the galra were tracking the team based on him. Keith wasn’t that important anyway.

Keith had never been important. Not really, anyway.

His mother had left him, and he didn’t really know why, but he figured it had to do with him.

Shiro saw him as… something. It obviously wasn’t what he used to see him as. Before, they were close. Shiro had been everything to Keith. And when he’d found him with Lance and Hunk and Pidge, Keith had nearly wanted to cry then, too. Because he was sure that the one person who had ever seemed to give a damn about him, was back.

And now, he was wrong about that too. Shiro was different now. He didn’t act the same, he looked a little different, the looks he gave Keith were something like, he wanted to care, he knew he should feel something for the shorter teen, but he didn’t.

So Keith figured that probably had something to do with him again too.

But he was also letting the team down. He was supposed to act like a leader. He was supposed to be the Black Paladin.

And what did he do? He ran off to the Blade of Marmora every time the team needed him. Every time in the hopes that Shiro would eventually try to pilot Black again. Every time in the hopes that he could set things right, could get Shiro back in the pilot’s seat, and make sure that the team had a good, strong leader.

Keith wasn’t a leader. Keith wasn’t a team player.

Because Keith was not worth keeping around.

Keith was just not worth… _anything_.


	2. No One To Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith has always been ready and willing to sacrifice himself for the good of a mission. No one had really noticed before, but this time... This time is different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the second chapter posted today. I feel like I'm on a role. Although, I'm really not sure how long this story will be.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Once again, if you find any mistakes while you read this, let me know.

Keith knew a few things. First, that he was not a leader. Second, that Shiro was. Third, that the team was mad at him. And fourth, that he was not weak.

But Keith couldn’t accurately tell himself that he wasn’t miserable without them.

They were somewhat of a family for him. The castle had become home. He knew that, if he should ever need to or want to, he could talk to any of them. Hunk and Shiro and Coran had always been willing to listen. Pidge had been happy to spend time with him. Allura had shown, in some way, that she was warming up to him, cared about him, even after finding out about his heritage. Lance… well, maybe Lance was the exception. The two of them hadn’t really gotten along too well, but there had been instances, cases where they could work together, could spend time together like civil human beings.

But Keith had messed all of that up.

He pushed them away. He let them down. They were disappointed in him and angry.

And Keith knew that they also had a right to be. He could have gotten them all killed. If Shiro hadn’t reformed his connection with Black, they almost certainly would have been, because Keith was not there. Because Keith was helpful somewhere else.

But Keith couldn’t talk to anyone in the Blade of Marmora. The individual didn’t matter. Keith didn’t matter. What mattered were the missions. It mattered whether or not they got the intel they needed, the proof of a different quintessence. If one of them died in the process, that was fine.

And Keith had come to terms with that a long time ago. Because, even with Voltron, Keith had these… thoughts.

There were times where he saw an opportunity to sacrifice himself, where it would have been for the good of the team, even if he ended up injured or dead, and wanted to take it. He was willing to die. He always had been.

Because if Keith couldn’t be useful alive, he could be useful dead.

Those thoughts… scared Keith.

But Keith wasn’t weak.

So Keith didn’t say anything. He tried to hide it. With Voltron, he didn’t take the route that would lead to his sacrifice, no matter how he wanted to sometimes. And with the Blades, this thought process was expected. Blade of Marmora members were expected to lay down their lives, no matter what. If they couldn’t make it back on their own, they were left to die. It was better that way. And Keith did exactly what was expected of him. He was prepared to sacrifice himself. He wanted to sacrifice himself.

He wanted to die.

So when the opportunity presented itself, Keith took it.

They couldn’t break through the ship’s defenses. Nothing they had was strong enough, they didn’t have the firepower. The only thing that could have brought that shield down was a lion, or ramming into it with another ship.

Keith couldn’t do anything else as it was, so this was the only other option. He said as much, and he could tell that it was distressing to Coran and Matt.

But Keith wanted this. He wanted it to be over. He wanted to take the coward’s way out.

Because Keith was weak.

And then Lotor was the one to take out the shield. Keith, who had shut his eyes and was heading straight for the shield, ready for the explosion, ready for the pain, ready for death, had not collided with anything.

He cried. He failed again.

*

“Keith, come to the castle.” Coran left no room for debate, Keith knew. If he so much as tried to protest, he would have been shut down faster than he could even blink.

So Keith contacted the Blades, told them that he was needed at the Castle of Lions for a bit. He was granted permission to go, and Keith headed off, noting that Matt was following him too.

Once there and landed, Keith made towards the main control room. Matt met up with him in the halls, didn’t say a word. That was fine anyway, Keith had never gotten a chance to really talk to the guy at all. He’d only just heard about him, seen pictures, knew that Pidge had finally found him. He knew that she was overjoyed to have her brother there.

Coran was waiting for them, facing away.

Keith couldn’t think of anything to say. What could Coran possibly want? Keith wasn’t part of this team anymore, so what was going on?

“Keith,” Coran started. The teen couldn’t help but notice the vague waver in the Altean’s voice, or the dangerous tone that made Keith want to take another step back, despite the ginger man being on the opposite side of the room. “What were you thinking?”

“What do you mean?” Keith asked. He saw Matt shift out of the corner of his eye but ignored it in favor of watching Coran stand stock still.

“That was an incredibly dangerous thing you did out there,” Coran said.

Keith couldn’t handle this. “Maybe it was, but it was the only option. And Lotor is still out there. Something has to be done-”

Coran rounded on him, moving closer to the black haired teen. “Lotor can wait!” Keith’s eyebrows shot up, his eyes widening. He’d never really heard Coran speak like that. He was loud, his tone full blown angry. “You- you cannot.”

“I can’t what?” Maybe Keith was going to make this worse on himself, but he really had no idea what Coran was talking about. He had no idea what the man meant.

“You were going to kill yourself, Keith!” Coran yelled. As the man approached, Keith felt the need to step back again. But he didn’t. He held his ground. And from this distance, Keith could now see the tears that were welling in Coran’s eyes. “What were you thinking when you did that? You didn’t even bother to say goodbye!”

Something sharp felt like it shot straight into his chest, straight into his lungs and puncturing them. He couldn’t breathe suddenly. His chest felt like it might cave in, like his shoulders were going to curl forward, like he would crumple onto the ground in a ball and sob.

But he didn’t.

Because Keith may be weak, but he would not show it.

“Are you going to say anything?!” Coran demanded.

Keith averted his eyes.

“Fine,” Coran bit out. “Sit over there and wait for the rest to get back.”

Keith furrowed his eyebrows. Sit where?

Coran pointed towards the seat that should be occupied by the red lion’s paladin.

“But that’s-”

“Your seat. Now, sit in it.”

Then Coran turned sharply, moving back to his console.

Keith couldn’t move. That seat was Lance’s seat. Keith had no right to sit in it. But Coran had told him to so-

Matt nudged his shoulder gently. Keith didn’t look at the older man before stumbling forward a step and moving to the chair. He sat down, and against his better judgement, pulled his feet up into it with him, tucking his knees under his chin and wrapping his arms around his legs.

Suddenly, he felt so small. He felt so… useless and insignificant.

And after a moment, he realized that he’d felt this way for a long, long time.


	3. Spit It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team finds out about what Keith tried to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has taken much longer than I thought it would. But, chapter three is here now. I hope you like it!

Keith didn’t mean to fall asleep. He really didn’t.

But this was a place he knew. He was… safe here, or he had been, once. He had sat in this chair a lot, had even fallen asleep here once or twice when Allura had still been on her tirade of what was essentially “no pain, no gain”.

So without noticing it, his eyes fell shut as they waited for the team to come back into the castle. Of course, even though Coran was urging them to hurry, there was only so fast they could go when they had to handle Lotor. It would be a while.

Keith sat curled in his chair, picking at the leggings of his suit. He couldn’t honestly say he liked it. Not the leggings part, or how tight it was, but the fact that he had no armor. He was open and exposed. There was no protection. His skills and his luck were the only things keeping him alive. If one of those failed, there was nothing to fall back on, even for a second.

But without noticing it, the room around him seemed to grow darker and quieter as his thoughts drifted until Keith found himself dreaming. He liked naps like this. The ones where you just lay still long enough, thinking about nothing important until suddenly you’re asleep, and the next thing you know, it’s some indeterminable amount of time later. The period of time between closing your eyes and sleeping was strange, and often filled with an incoherent string of thoughts, but it was dark and soothing.

This was how Keith usually fell asleep. It was the only way when everything around you is quiet and impersonal.

*

The team came in, tired and unsettled. Lotor was being watched by the Blades for the time being, what with Coran being so insistent that they come back to the ship.

“Coran?” Lance started, following Shiro into the control room. “What’s up? What’s so important?”

Coran turned from his console to look at them. His eyes flicked away to look at something else for a brief second before focussing on the team again. Lance couldn’t see what he’d looked at, whatever it was out of sight.

Before Coran could start, Allura was speaking up. “Lotor is our main concern-”

“No, he isn’t.” Coran’s tone was no nonsense, and something about it was definitely off. The ginger haired man hadn’t sounded like that before, and it set Lance on edge a little. It was like when he’d been fourteen and his mother had to explain to him and his siblings how his older sister had attempted suicide-

“Did someone die?!” Lance didn’t realize he’d nearly yelled the words until everyone turned to stare at him, rather startled looks on their faces.

But then… then there was silence and Coran didn’t say anything. As Lance studied his face, the Altean seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

“No,” Matt spoke up from next to Pidge’s chair. “No one died.”

“Then why-”

Coran cut across Lance, making his way swiftly towards the group and shushing them a little forcefully. “Keep your voices down a bit.”

Shiro looked at him strange, but did as was asked. “Coran, what is going on?”

“It’s Keith,” Coran said.

Lance felt himself pale a little bit. Sure, Matt said that no one was dead, but that didn’t mean squat. Because a person can still be hurt. Keith could have been captured, or maybe he’d been injured, or in a coma, or he was in intensive care or-

Lance didn’t hate Keith. He should have said that a long time ago. He should have stopped Keith from leaving them, told him that they all care about him and that they don’t really want him to leave. Or, at least Lance didn’t.

“What happened to Keith?” Shiro demanded. Coran threw his hands up in surrender.

“Nothing!” Coran said automatically. “Well, that’s not true. I didn’t mean to say that. What I meant to say was that… well… he-”

“Coran, spit it out!” Allura commanded.

Coran nearly flinched. “I am worried for his mental state.”

Worried- what?

Why was Coran worried? What could he be worried about? Keith hadn’t even been around them for a long time. Keith couldn’t have done anything from so far away that could have scared Coran into being worried about his mental health.

“Why?” Pidge asked.

“Oh for god’s sake,” Matt spoke up again, irritation clear in his tone. “Keith nearly killed himself!” The honey brunette’s arms were crossed over his chest, and he scowled over at the lot of them, eyebrows furrowed and low over his caramel eyes, mouth set in an angry frown. “He didn’t try to say goodbye, he didn’t give any sort of explanation. It was like he wanted it to happen. Not the way the Blades are totally willing to give their lives, but like he truly wanted to die, and this was his out.”

Lance couldn’t… he couldn’t process. He didn’t know what was going on.

Keith had tried to kill himself?

“Where is he?” Shiro asked. His tone was hard, not sounding the way Lance thought it should. That was not a Shiro sort of tone. Shiro was supposed to care about Keith first and foremost. That was how it had been since they rescued him back on Earth. Even when his focus was not Keith, his eyes would flit over him carefully, making sure he was still there, still safe. Lance noticed, because Lance did that with his own siblings back home. The way Shiro sounded now just sounded… distant and angry.

“He’s over there-” Coran jerked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the red paladin’s chair. He wasn’t even finished before Shiro was damn near marching towards the chair, moving to stand in front of it and stare at its inhabitant.

But he didn’t say anything. Just stared.

“Shiro?” Lance asked.

“He’s asleep,” the older said, walking back towards them. “Come get me when he wakes up.”

Without another word, Shiro left the room, heading down the hallway and out of sight. They watched him go before turning back to Coran.

“Keith really…?” Hunk asked, unable to say the words. Coran nodded glumly.

“Matt and I will keep an eye on him if the rest of you would like to go change as well,” Coran suggested.

Slowly, they all nodded and turned to leave.

Except Lance. He stood his ground, staring hard at the back of his chair. It hadn’t always been his chair. It was Keith’s. It still was, in some part of Lance’s brain. He didn’t want to think of the red chair as his own. He missed Blue.

He walked forward, rounding the chair and looking down.

There was Keith, looking small and thin and fragile. He seemed young, much younger than he was. His hair was too long, messy and falling all over his eyes as he slept, curled up with his knees nearly tucked into his chest. His mouth was open slightly, puffing out breaths that came in through his nose. Lance hated the uniform he wore. It looked wrong. It was vulnerable, no armor to speak of. Keith belonged in a black undersuit with white armor that had red accents. He belonged in the pilot seat of the Red Lion.

Lance stooped to sit on the floor, crossing his legs in front of him and leaning his elbows on his knees.

“Lance, go change,” Coran insisted.

Lance didn’t look at him. “No. I want to be here when he wakes up.”

Coran didn’t say anything for a second. “Why?”

“Because something about Shiro feels off. And I want to know what he was thinking. I don’t want him to be yelled at,” Lance admitted. “He needs better than that.”

Lance could almost see Coran smiling in his mind. He didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“Alright,” Coran said. “But at least take off your armor. It’ll be more comfortable.”

Lance nodded, his eyes still on Keith’s sleeping form.

*

Lance’s head snapped up when he heard Keith’s breaths change. There was a deep, almost deliberate intake of air, then the teen was shifting a little, his eyes squinting open and closing again.

“Keith?” Lance whispered.

Keith’s eyes opened, his irises seeming more purple than usual. He blinked a few times, shifting until he was sitting up straighter.

“Lance…”

Lance smiled a little at him, though he was sure it wasn’t convincing.

“Hey.”

Keith frowned. “You’re acting weird.”

“What?” Lance exclaimed quietly. “I’m not acting weird!”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”

Lance sighed. “Keith, Coran told us what you did. Well, actually, Matt did, but that’s not really the point.”

Keith’s eyebrows shot up, hiding under his hair, his eyes wide.

“Lance, I didn’t-”

Lance scoffed. “Don’t lie to me, Keith. I have so many siblings, no one can lie to me successfully anymore.”

Keith didn’t say anything.

“Why, Keith?”

There was nothing for a long time. Lance wouldn’t say anything if Keith wouldn’t. It was better that way. The best way to get someone to talk is to not fill the silence.

They sat there, neither saying anything for so long, Lance really did think that Keith wouldn’t acknowledge him. But he was determined. Even if they didn’t say anything, Lance would stay here with him.

“Lance… there wasn’t any other way. My life isn’t worth anything anyway. I thought that if I couldn’t be useful any other way, then my death could be useful…” Keith finally muttered. He had taken so many deep breaths and opened then closed his mouth so many times that he really thought he wouldn’t ever speak.

And he didn’t notice he was crying until Lance had stood from his criss cross position on the floor and wiped away a track of salty tears.

“Keith-”

Keith stood suddenly, pushing Lance away from him.

“I don’t want to hear it, Lance,” Keith said, all but running out of the room.


	4. Be Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance talks to Keith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Man, it has been awhile since I updated this story. I hope you all like this chapter!

Lance wished he knew where to look for Keith. He’d tried the usual places, Keith’s old room, Red’s hangar, the kitchen, the training room. But honestly, had he been thinking during his search, he wouldn’t have even bothered looking in these places. Keith wouldn’t hide in plain sight. He would hide somewhere the rest of them wouldn’t go.

And Lance recognized that later, when he was sitting at the table in the dining room. Keith would hide off the beaten path. He’d done that in the desert, when he’d left the Garrison. The shack Keith had holed up in was a place he was comfortable with, but that most people never came around.

So under that logic… where was Keith?

It took awhile, but Lance finally found him. Turns out, Keith had made himself at home in the darkened library, at least pretending to read some book from the dim light that streamed in through the big window.

For a moment, Lance just stood in the doorway and watched the older teen. Every few moments, Keith would reach up and brush a lock of dark hair out of his eyes before it inevitably fell back into place and blocked his vision again. Lance wondered if it really bothered Keith, or if it was just something he’d learned to live with as it grew out…

Lance had shifted his weight, and he supposed that he had been just visible enough for the movement to draw Keith’s attention.

“Lance-” Keith started, his tone something of a warning.

“Keith…” Lance sighed, stepping further into the room and standing a little awkwardly. “I don’t want to fight you.”

Keith continued to study him, his eyebrows furrowed as if he didn’t know what to make of Lance. So when Lance didn’t back down and held Keith’s gaze for a moment or two, Keith slumped into himself, pulling his knees back to his chest and dropping the book limply from his hand.

“Listen, if you don’t want to talk, don’t talk,” Lance offered, coming closer now. “But please, listen to me.”

Keith sighed softly, averting his gaze to the floor. “Fine. Talk.”

Lance hesitated before seating himself on the floor in front of the black haired teen.

“When I was fourteen,” Lance started, “my older sister tried to kill herself.”

This got Keith’s attention faster than a gunshot. His head snapped up and his gaze searched Lance’s face, but for what, Lance couldn’t be sure.

“She’s a few years older than me, and she was seventeen at the time. We found out later she has bipolar depression, and the stress of starting to think about college and graduation was getting to her really hard.” Lance wasn’t looking at his former teammate anymore, his eyes tracing the pattern across the rug he was sitting on. “I was just finishing eighth grade, and my younger siblings had all decided they wanted to play spring sports at school, so Mom and Dad were stretched really thin between all of us. No one noticed when she and her best friend got into a fight and said some really nasty stuff to each other, or how she starting falling apart. Her grades were slipping, but no one knew that either until we started getting letters from the school saying that if she didn’t do something fast, she wasn’t going to pass the semester.

“Once Mom and Dad heard about that, they sort of lost it… They wanted her to do better, and they were angry that she was “throwing away her education”. She’d always done well in school up until then, but no one even started to think that there might be something really serious going on. Our parents grounded her for a month, or until she brought up her grades and kept them above a C.

“A few weeks later, some more letters arrived, saying how her grades had dropped even further. There was almost no hope of her finishing the year at this point. So Mom and Dad got really mad. They demanded why she was doing this, and why she couldn’t just try harder. They called her lazy and said that this sort of behavior was unacceptable. She was crying by the time they were done and said she was grounded until she graduated high school.”

Lance paused, because while he wasn’t choking up yet, he knew he might soon. So he waited, swallowed a few times and took a couple deep breaths.

“The next morning, she never came down for breakfast. Dad was so mad that he refused to acknowledge her “tantrum”. But Mom went storming upstairs to her room. We could hear her yelling at my sister, banging on her bedroom door. Eventually, I suppose she got into her room somehow…”

Keith didn’t say anything as he watched Lance. Lance took a deep breath and turned his face up, his eyes meeting Keith’s.

“She had taken a whole bottle of some medication. To this day, I don’t know what it was. Once Mom and Dad realized that she wasn’t waking up, they rushed her to the hospital, leaving us in the care of my older brothers. We found out that she hadn’t been eating at school, and what she ate at home she was throwing up when no one was paying any attention. She had lost a lot of weight, and even a couple of pills would have knocked her out. The whole bottle should have killed her.”

Keith shook his head, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment before opening them again. They were red and seemed watery. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because, whether you like it or not, and no matter how I may have acted in the past, you have truly scared me,” Lance said. “I have spent three years going back and thinking about the way my sister acted as she spiraled down, memorizing all the ways I noticed she wasn’t okay. I know what suicidal behavior looks like…”

Keith continued to stare, his eyes watering more. His irises seemed a lot more purple like this, less like the deep indigo shade they usually held.

“And I’m looking right at it.”

Now Keith was glaring.

“What do you want me to do, Lance?” Keith demanded, with a lot less venom than he had meant to speak with. “Fall into your arms, crying my eyes out, and spilling my deepest, darkest secrets?”

“No-”

“Then what?!”

And maybe Keith was actually on the brink of crying, of actually letting tears fall down his cheeks. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was so close to losing it, but it would be stupid for him to just… just…

“I just want you to be honest, Keith,” Lance said quietly. “Maybe not with me, and maybe not with the rest of the team, but at least with yourself.”

Keith groaned, reaching up and sinking his fingers into his hair and tugging on the dark locks. “I am!” he protested.

Lance arched an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?” he pushed. “Is that why you’re sitting in the library where maybe only Allura comes, pretending to read a book written in a language you can’t even understand? You’re so honest with yourself that you have to get away from everyone that might give a damn about you?”

“No! I mean- yes! Ahh! Stop confusing me!” Keith yelled.

“Why?” Lance demanded. “Because you don’t want to hear the truth? Because you’re so desperate for someone to tell you they care that you’ll push us all away because you’re so scared we don’t? Because maybe, just maybe, you wanted to die in that battle, but you didn’t and you regret that more than anything else?!”

“Stop it!”

“Be honest!”

“No, just stop!”

“No!”

Keith clenched his fists tight in his hair, his teeth nearly grinding against each other. The older teen squeezed his eyes shut, squirming in his upright fetal position.

“Keith-”

“Yes!” Keith yelled. “Yes, alright?! Yes! I wanted to die! I have failed at everything else! I failed at being the red paladin, I failed epically at being the black paladin! I have failed at being a friend or a team player or anything else, and for once! Just once! I wanted to do something right! And at the time, that was the only option I saw! None of the guns were touching the shield, but you know what would? A ship crashing straight into it! So if I could do nothing else right, I would do this right, and if I died, well, then at least no one would have to deal with me anymore!

“Maybe I wanted to hear something that wasn’t “We won’t try to stop you”! Maybe I’m weak and maybe that’s unacceptable! I’m expendable and useless! There is no point for me to exist, let alone keep fucking things up the way that I have been! So maybe I wanted to die, and maybe you’re right that I wish that I had!”

Keith was breathing hard by the end of it, tears definitely having fallen, just to drip off his chin and soak into the black fabric of his leggings. His breath was ragged like he’d just run a marathon with no break and no water in the middle of the desert.

“Keith,” Lance started, not daring to reach out to the black haired teen. “I can’t make this better. I can’t… magically fix everything and make it all go back the way it had been. And I know you don’t expect that from me. But… Keith, we’re here for you. I have acted like a Class A jerk in the past, and I have no right to expect you to trust me with any of this, but I want you to at least hear these next few things at least once in your life.”

Keith just watched him, trying to get his own breath back under control, wishing that he would stop crying.

“You… are not expendable. There is no one like you in the whole universe, and we all need you. We always have, even if you haven’t realized it. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Maybe you weren’t a great leader, but you didn’t ask for that role either. It was forced on you, and that’s unfair. Not all of us can work well in a team setting. Most of us don’t always anyway. But you were getting better. We learned together how best to make this team work, and unfortunately, that team was torn apart. We had to relearn, and we’re still learning.

“I think… I think you need to talk to someone… like… like a therapist or something. I know that may be difficult out here in space where we spend most of our time, and that there’s a war going on, but you can’t continue on like this. You’ve scared us shitless, man. We don’t want to lose you.

“But I want to make something abundantly clear: you aren’t broken. There is nothing wrong with needing help, and you don’t need to be fixed. You need support… from those who love you. Keith, we’re your family. Let us help you. Please.”

Lance watched Keith with an imploring look. His expression was somber and open, seeming to plead with the older teen to hear him out. Keith’s eyes flickered back and forth between Lance’s, watching his every move and calculating the tone of his voice carefully.

Then Keith slumped a little more, lowering his head and nodding just slightly.

“Okay,” he agreed near silently.

Lance smiled sadly at him, his heart seeming to swell until it wanted to burst out of his chest. Keith wasn’t near better by a long shot. But hopefully… just maybe, Keith could come back from this.

Keith hoped so, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! So, this is marked as the last chapter of this story, mostly because I feel like the ending is alright for this particular story and doesn't require watching Keith actually get better. If I think of a better ending, I might write a fifth chapter, but probably don't count on it. But anyway, thanks again, and let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought!


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